Reflection
by THE-Kagetsu
Summary: Kikyo reflects on everything that has happened to her since she took in the bandit, Onigumo, over 50 years ago. Songfic to Sarah Mclachlan's song, Fallen.


A/N: Yay, I'm writing another fic! This time it's a songfic, to Sarah Mclachlan's "Fallen". It's a great song, and you can go to the official site and listen to it (I highly recommend it!)

Anyway, I'm not a Kikyo fan or a hater, but I think this song describes her very well…

(Btw, Shinidamachuu are Kikyo's Soul Stealers/Collectors/Gatherers, whatever you want to call them.)

Kikyo and all InuYasha characters are © to Rumiko Takahashi.

"Fallen" is © to Sarah Mclachlan.

This fic is © to me.

* * *

Kikyo was yet again, wandering. Wandering without any company, save for her Shinidamachuu. It was not as if this brought her any despair, she rather liked being alone. With the company that she had formerly been in, this was not much of a surprise. She strolled to the top of the hill, her Shinidamachuu soaring around her, never lingering in one position too long. Looking down, she could see the tree where she had first pinned Inuyasha. The person in question was not far off; he was kneeling next to a well, looking positively bored. Kikyo was glad that she was distant enough that he could not smell her; she didn't want to deal with him right now. Inwardly, she scolded herself for returning here. How could she have thought that he would be anywhere else but this very place? Something drew them here; something called them back, ever since the day that he was revived.

Strangely…she did not want to leave. She felt content-or the closest to content that she could be- right here. This area was peaceful, and the only noise was the wind rustling through the foliage. Leaning against a tree, she eased herself down until she was sitting. One of her friendlier Shinidamachuu glided over to her, its spindly legs balancing on her knee. She managed a small smile at the creature. Years ago she would have never though that these would be her only companions. A more aggressive wind whistled through the trees, blowing her hair out of her face. She looked down to see if the hanyou was still at the well, but he had gone. Just as well, now she did not have to worry about him finding her scent. She looked up at the rest of her Soul Stealers, who were drifting in circles above her. Her gaze rested again on the one who rested on her knee, watching its snake-like body waver back and forth, weightless. She ran a finger over the Shinidamachuu's head. How could something so transparent still be solid? The sun was starting to set, turning the color of a fiery inferno. Fire…

"_And so, I give this to you… the Shikon no Tama, which you must burn with my body. It must not fall into the hands of those who would abuse it. "_

And then she had died. Just like that. A twinge of an emotion she couldn't quite understand rushed through her. What was it? It felt a little like anger, but not quite. More like she had been deceived, and not comprehended it. She understood it now; it made her feel stupid, unaware of what had been happening right under her nose. She should have known better. Her reputation had been in jeopardy, she had heard the whispers through the village that she was in love with a hanyou. Worry of her status had made her blind, made her unable to notice what was conspiring. If that hadn't happened, maybe it would be different now… maybe she would still be alive, maybe Onigumo would have never succeeded in becoming Naraku…

Maybe she would still be with Inuyasha.

She sighed and stared off into the horizon, the fiery color was fading to light purples and blues. She would never be with Inuyasha again, she knew it. Accepting it was not the hard part, she could live with knowing that her love would never belong to her anymore.

The hard part was seeing him hold another in his arms.

If she could, she would leave him alone for the rest of his life. Against her wishes, their fates had again been twisted together. The search for the jewel forced them to interact with one another, and she could not be at peace until it was safe from evil and whole once again. Though she always seemed cool and composed, she sometimes wondered if she had the resolve and strength to carry on.

_**Heaven bend to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire  
Be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight**_

They would beat Naraku someday; Kikyo just hoped she was the one to deliver the fatal blow to the hanyou. If she had not been so successful in hiding her feelings, she would have tried long ago. She needed Naraku to trust her, to make him think that she was an ally. She had no intention of helping him forever; he was born of the bandit Onigumo, and was nothing more than a half demon. The jewel could never change the fact. Yes, it could make him a youkai in more ways than one, but he would always be a hanyou. Kikyo would never see him as otherwise.

Just the same as Inuyasha.

He would always be a half demon. She could see herself, fifty years earlier, urging him to use the jewel to become human. Now, she did not know for what reason she had wished this so vehemently. Was it that she sincerely wanted him to be human? Or…was it the fact that if he used the jewel, she could become a normal woman, who didn't need to guard the Shikon no Tama with her very being? It seemed nowadays that the latter made more sense. Though she was the same age, her resurrection had given her more wisdom than she had been bestowed with when she was killed.  
_  
**Truth be told I've tried my best  
But somewhere long the way  
I got caught up in all there was to offer  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear**_

A flicker of anger rose up in her, though you would not have seen it on her face. Years of training had given her the power to keep her feelings hidden under the surface, just beyond what people see. Her affection for Inuyasha was her weakness, she allowed herself to get too close to him. Naraku had disguised himself as the one she loved, and fatally wounded her. In her fury, she had lashed back and shot the real Inuyasha, forcing him to an eternal sleep. She had then died herself. Was what she had felt for Inuyasha truly love? Was love so easily broken, so effortlessly dashed to pieces? Or was it that she hadn't truly loved him at all?

**_Though I've tried  
I've fallen_  
_I have sunk so low_  
_I messed up_  
_Better I should know_  
_So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so_**

A priestess should never have fallen for Onigumo's ploy. She should have seen through the disguise. Better yet, she should never have saved him and tried to nurse him back to health. It was the right thing to do, healing him like she did, but he was pure evil. She had believed there was inner good in everyone, including the thief. The priestess had thought wrong. She could only imagine what the villagers had thought of her after that, they must have thought she was pathetic to be so easily misled. Naraku never missed a chance to express his amusement about this, either. He loved to torment the priestess, tell her what a fool she was. She could not disagree with him, either.

_**We all begin with good intent  
When love was raw and young  
We believe that we could change ourselves  
The past can be undone**_

In a way, Inuyasha was much like Naraku. She could have killed Inuyasha many times, but she saw good in him. That was one person that she had been right in judging, or at least, somewhat right. Demanding him that he use the jewel to become human was a mistake. She should have known that he would not listen, becoming human was as far from his desire that he could get. Maybe it was not such a dreadful thing that she had never gotten the jewel to the real Inuyasha. He may have pulled the same trick that Naraku did, or just taken it and wished to become a demon. Trusting either of them had been a mistake.  
_  
**But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
I've held so dear  
**_  
Once Naraku had wounded her and stolen the jewel, she knew she would die. That did not matter; she would die protecting the jewel. Her only thoughts had been to get to Inuyasha and subdue him, and recover the Shikon no Tama. Being a priestess was not an easy job; she knew that accepting the jewel from the demon slayers would mean a lifetime of keeping the jewel from evil. Still, what was she to do? Leave them with something so valuable, which could easily cause their lives to end? Her life was much less precious than the lives of her village and countless others. Sacrificing herself was a small price to pay if she saved the lives of all that surrounded her. When she reached Inuyasha, she used the last bit of her power to conjure up a seal that would last for eternity. She kneeled and picked up the jewel, knowing that it had been saved. All that was left to do was pass on. Her younger sister had run up to her, begging for her to let someone help. There was no way to save herself, and she was not afraid to die. The jewel would be buried with her, and she would have nothing to regret. She gave her instructions to those around her, knowing that the jewel would be burned with her, and there would be no demons searching for it any longer.

That is what she had planned.

Her seal had not held eternally, perhaps it was because she had been weak, or perhaps in her heart she didn't want it to hold forever. That would not have mattered, except her reincarnation had the jewel inside her, though that made perfect sense. That cursed centipede had brought the girl back to the Sengoku Jidai, and thus set the cycle of the jewel once again into full spin.  
_  
**I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so**_

History was repeating itself. She truly was Kikyo's reincarnation. The girl had fallen in love with Inuyasha, just as Kikyo did. She was bound to follow in the steps that Kikyo had once taken, and would only end in tragedy. Kikyo knew that the girl was not as intelligent as she, and that she had managed to jeopardize herself more than once. Whereas Kikyo planned her moves before she made them, Kagome made split-second decisions. How could they be so alike in some ways, yet total opposites in others? Maybe that is why Inuyasha liked her more, she was different than Kikyo, but still allowed him to be reminded of her. Their looks were similar, but their personalities went in different directions.

_**Heaven bend to take my hand  
I've nowhere left to turn  
I'm lost to those I thought were friends  
To everyone I know**_

_**Oh they turn their heads embarrassed  
Pretend that they don't see  
That it's one missed step  
One slip before you know it  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed**_

Kikyo would never forgive herself for her mistakes. Others might, but in her eyes she had gotten what she had deserved for her blunders. She silently cursed the witch Urasue for reviving her, this so called "life" that she had was a mere imitation of what she had previously had. She was now alone, she could not follow with Inuyasha, he had his own friends. Returning to the village was not an option, some of the elders would have remembered her. She had no aim to stay with Naraku; she would never become a follower of him. Thus, she wandered alone.

It was now totally dark, a cool breeze still floated through the trees. Somehow, her Shinidamachuu were still shining brightly, though there was no light around. She stood up in one fluid movement, her time here was done. Reminiscing about the past would get you nowhere; it would just make you fall into self-pity, depression, and resentment for anything around you.  
**_  
Though I've tried  
I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here_**

_**And tell me I told you so  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so…**_

The priestess walked back down the path, retracing her steps that she had taken earlier. Breeze billowing through her clothes, Shinidamachuu drifting lazily around her, she could not help but feel at ease. There was no cause for this feeling, it just a general sense of tranquility. She felt at peace with herself, for the first time in a long while.

After all, everything happens for a reason.

* * *

I had a lot of fun writing this fic, I think Kikyo is one of the more misunderstood characters on the show (and one of those that rabid fans tend to either bash or worship). This was not meant as a KikyoXInu fic, or a KagomeXInu fic, it was just...Kikyo. I don't hate eitherKagome or Kikyo, I don't love either. Some fans tend to hate one and love the other, but realize this...without Kikyo, the story would not exist. Same with Kagome. So before you say you hate them and want them to die...realize that without them, there would be no InuYasha for you. Plus, Inuyasha himself likes them...why don't you? XD

Sorry for the mini-rant, but Kikyo/Kagome bashers bug me.


End file.
